The other day, I thought I should start blogging again, lest anyone think from my last post that I was offended or swayed by emotion :). I mentioned to one of my best friends how I didn't feel I had anything to write about....however, I am not sure I am glad that I have something to write about now.
Last Thursday I was preparing to go to a DCFS team meeting regarding my nephews...long story, for another day..... I stepped out of the bathroom and some papers fluttered to the floor. I stopped to pick them up and read...Separation Agreement. Not something you ever want to read...trust me. There are no good separation papers.
As I read further the realization began to set in, after thirteen years, my husband was being let go from his job. Immediately that deep dark pit formed in the recesses of my stomach. I turned around and my good husband came around the corner. What a tender mercy from the Lord. He didnt have to explain, he didnt have to think of those devestational words to say, he didnt have to answer my questions. We just shared a long hug and many tears.
It kind of felt like when you break up with your girlfriend/boyfriend....It's not you its me, I just need a change. Can I have my ring and letter-man jacket back? Except it was more like. You didn't do anything wrong. This is due to corporate restructuring. Please clean out your desk, and usually we would escort you out of the building at this point.
After the long hug and many tears, thats when the miracles started. The first one was peace. Just peace. Really. I had imagined this moment many times--in my nightmares-- The husband comes home with the bad news, the devastated wife wonders how she will possibly feed eight people on nothing...the worry, the fear, the desperation. But there was none of that. None. Just peace which filled the deep dark pit in my stomach.
I never imagined that the Lord could just take it away. I never imagined that you could come to a place filled with uncertainty, worry, emotion, fear and that you could face that place with love and peace and faith and even a little joy. And then when those little fears and doubts and worry start to creep in again...like they always do...I can remember. I recall that peace. He is still there.
But that is not the only miracle.
I have learned the miracle of God's love. When that peace came I knew I wasn't worthy to have such a heavenly gift. I had a full understanding that there are so many ways that I need to be better in my life, more willing to serve, more quick to prayer, more gentle and soft hearted, more in just about every way that Christ is. But God still loves me. I have learned that God loves all of us. He doesn't judge me based on income, job skills or personality. He doesn't love me based on my ability to cook with food storage (or lack thereof), my understanding (or lack thereof) of the scriptures, or my blog posts. (or lack thereof) He just loves me. He is there.
I have learned that money causes stress. There is a joy that comes from only thinking of the things that we absolutely need. We need a pair of shoes. That's it. I don't NEED anything else. I feel free from the burden of money. The first thing my dad said to my husband after the loss was, "Remember the first rule...Money is emotional." But it isn't. The Lord has taken that away too. He is there.
I have learned that when there is no other explanation why...it is Gods why. As my husband has asked many times..is it money? is it me? did I upset someone? did I make a mistake? and the answer always comes back no. No, no, no. And, there is no answer why. It is God's why. He is there.
I have learned that you never know how many people love you, and how many people you love until something like this happens. Choices and consequences do not just affect me. This job loss has touched my family, my friends, my ward family, my neighbors, people near, and people far. Some have dropped off ice cream...our favorite kind. Some have sent little thoughts via email. Some have given great advice from being here themselves. Some have come with a listening ear and the spirit so the Lord can give greater revelation through thoughts and words. And with each little piece of their love I feel a great depth of love for them and for Him. He is there.
I have learned that there is STILL always something worse. As I look around there are so many suffering, so many with burdens to carry. Sick children, unfaithful husbands, wayward children, abuse, death, loss. As I said to a friend. This is hardly a trial. I remember when I had my twins. I knew something was wrong...this was not how being pregnant felt! I was sure I had cancer or was dying. When I found out it was twins, people would ask how I was going to do it...what a trial. To me it was not a trial, it was a blessing. I had imagined all those things that were trials, but twins was a blessing. I remember feeling with my four year old, two year old and two babies that if I had to pick a trial I would pick the one I had. I feel this way again. This is hardly a trial. When the Lord fills you with His love and His peace and His hope any trial is hardly a trial. Because He is there.
I have learned that sometimes you just need a listening ear. What a blessing to have good friends. I have had many good friends stop by or call during this time. I appreciate their love and guidance but mostly I appreciate their ears. I needed to pour out of my heart all those thoughts that God has been giving me. They were blessed in my heart, but sometimes you need to hear His words. Sometimes you need His words to be spoken in your own voice, or from someone elses voice. Sometimes you need to hear He is there.
I have learned that there is something you can always say....I love you. I never know what to say when something bad happens. What do you say to someone who has lost a job, a spouse, a friend, a child, a parent? I didn't know how to comfort them. I do now....I love you! Or you could try this...you are amazing, you are wonderful, you can do this,....etc. all those positive thoughts lift your spirit when it is sitting in the bottom of the barrel. There is power in someone believing in you and then verbalizing those words. The words bouy you up and carry you on. Words have such amazing power. Especially Gods words. He is speaking them to us. Those little thoughts in our hearts and minds. Saying He is there.
I have learned that all of us need to grow. A month ago a few members of my family gathered for a baby blessing. During this time my brother was deciding if he should remain in the Air Force. He mentioned, "If I stay in I won't grow. In three more years I will be in exactly the same place I am today." I felt the truth of his words and I felt so proud of this amazing younger brother for the maturity and the wisdom to see this truth. His words came rushing back to me in our own time of deciding and pondering. If we stay here we won't grow. In three more years, or five more years, or ten more years, or when we retire we will be in exactly the same place we are now. We won't be rich, but we won't be poor. We wont be miserably, but we won't be joyful. We wont be growing. Good job, Good ward, Good friends, Good family. But the Lord knew it was time to grow. Growing because He is there.
I don't know that I will start blogging again. Maybe I am offended or swayed by emotion :) But I know that in all I do and say and feel; in all the trials and blessings; in all the growing and changing and becoming that The Lord is there. And with God nothing is impossible.
